Ashley, it’s been a little more than 10 months since you took your life. It feels weird to think about how you were once here. We’ve all moved on with our lives, but we still remember you. You made a huge impact on our lives.
I thought, “Oh, I can put new pictures of Ashley in my photo album,” and realized, no I can’t. Ashley won’t be taking new pictures this year. She won’t be at school, she’ll never graduate because she’s gone. It’s so hard to accept that. Ashley Marie Billasano is gone and has been for 226 days. The days will never become any less, they’ll keep becoming more.
I finally understand what I was going through. After losing Ashley I went into major depressive disorder. Losing Ashley was not the only reason. I was upset and stressed for about two months after her death and then spiraled into depression. Major depressive disorder lasts about 6 months, at the most, whenever it comes. I believe I started feeling more depressed than usual and having a negative view on life second semester of school. It’s May and I feel a lot better. I think my major depressive disorder lasted about four months, in which I was feeling extremely low. In this disorder it’s “normal” to feel that i’d be “better off dead” (Psychology). I’m feeling better now, and I’m glad I finally understand what I was going through.
You were so random, Ashley :) You had lots of love to give<3
You’re supposed to be famous because of your career on Broadway, not because you tweeted your life story before committing suicide. Your family is supposed to come and see you graduate this year, not give your mother their condolences. Your youtube videos are supposed to be about Billy & Bats, not about your death. You’re supposed to be here.
This is how I cope. I look at pictures of you, think back to the memories we share, and make up scenarios in my head. Why? Because I miss you like crazy, and I can’t wrap my head around the idea that you’re really gone.